"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.." (Matthew 6:24 Holy Bible)

Monday, April 7, 2008

#1 "Diagnosis..."

It still seems unreal to me that this blog is even necessary...but it is. Let me start at the beginning...

Two years ago this May, my two daughters and I went to the eye Dr. for a routine visit. Just a check-up to make sure things were fine. Maybe get a new pair of glasses for myself or try contact lenses or both. Well, they ended up asking if we wanted a digital photograph taken of our eyes. I wasn't going to since it was $12 each and not something the insurance normally covered, but something made me decide to do it anyway. When the Dr. showed us the photos on the monitor of each of our eyes, I (being a photographer) noticed that mine looked blurry and soft while the girls' photos looked sharp and clear. I asked, "Why does my photo look so hazy?" He said he would talk to me about mine after we look at the girls'. I didn't really hear much after that except something about my daughter needing glasses until some muscles were strengthened. All sorts of things went through my mind, but I was still not prepared to hear his words regarding my eyesight. He told me he thought I had a rare, degenerative corneal eye disease, called Fuchs' Endothilial Corneal Dystrophy. It could someday cause blindness. Sometimes it happens sooner and sometimes later, sometimes faster and sometimes slower, but not to worry about it right now. He suggested I go to a specialist to get a second opinion and confirmation and he'd check them again in a year to see if there were any changes.

I went home kind of shell-shocked. I didn't really know how to process what he told me, and I can't say now just how I responded since it is all a vague memory now and I wasn't thinking straight. I do know that I called my husband and told him the strange news, made an appointment with the specialist and called my pastor for prayer suppport. I also spent time in prayer, trying to maintain, while I awaited the upcoming appointment.

The day of the appointment came and it was confirmed. I did have this mysterious disease in my eyes. I then went home and began to grieve for something I'd not yet lost. I thought about grandkids I'd never see, my own dear family, the sunsets and landscapes, thought about what it would mean to live in a dark world. Being blind has always been one of the worse things I could imagine. After a realistic amount of time spent in tears, I moved on to depression and proceeded to anger and fear and frustration with those that didn't share my emotions over the diagnosis and all of the other emotions associated with the grief process. I felt alone.

Then, there came a moment in time where I again got on my knees, placed all of it at the foot of Jesus and began to get back to "life as usual." I knew that God could heal me of this disease, and I trusted Him to do what was best for me. I also knew that nothing would change by worrying about and dwelling on it. In the meantime, I began to look into dietary helps, vitamins and other things that may possibly help, as well.

Some may say that giving it to God and moving on was a type of denial about the illness. I disagree. I do; however, think that it caused me to miss some of the signs that the disease was progressing. It's not that I had forgotten about it, but it wasn't something I thought about on a daily basis...it was definitely on the back burner.

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